Thursday, 27 August 2009

Research Proves Salad is Bad

(Communication. 2007;116:II_77.)© 2007 American Shark Association, Inc.

PAPs and Crapiogenesis

Abstract 460: A Vegetarian Mediterranean Diet Increases Malnutrition and Decreases Metabolic Activity in Carcharodon carcharias

R Sole1; Ivor Biggun2; Phil McCracken3; Hugh Janus4;

1 Death Israel Deaconess Med Cntr, Boston, MA
2 College of Muppets and Sturgeons, New York, NY
3 Death Israel Deaconess Med Cntr, Boston, MA
4 Massachusetts General Hopeless, Boston, MA

Background: Ancestral nutrition may play a role in homeostatic maintenance of metabolic function, thereby mitigating 'western disease'. Long-term clinical trials of vegetarian Mediterranean diets for ancestral fitness have not demonstrated positive effects. We examined the effects of these diets directly on sharks.

Methods: Fifty-two Carcharodon carcharias were assigned after weaning to a standard shark-chow diet (100% protein) or a Mediterranean-vegetarian (30% fat, 50% carbohydrate, 20% protein) diet. After 6 and 12 weeks on the diets, general 'sharkiness' was measured. Quantitation of sharky activity was performed via visual analysis.

Results: By 12 weeks of diet, sharks on the Mediterranean-vegetarian diet had more lethargy compared to chow fed sharks, as assessed by general movement (15.2% vs 8.8%; p<0.05)sharky-smile p="0.03)."> and non-blinking levels were similar in chow and Mediterranean-vegetarian-fed sharks. There was no difference in the extent of bitiness between shark-chow and Mediterranean-vegetarian diets as they were both pissed off (but for different reasons). However, by 6 weeks on diet, movement decreased by ~45% in the Mediterranean-vegetarian fed sharks compared to chow-fed sharks (p<0.05).>Conclusions: Health of Carcharodon carcharias is decreased by a non natural diet compared to its ancestral diet. Vegetarian and/or Mediterranean food must be bad because we made sharks ill by feeding it to them. Probably.