Bodyweight Quickie

Due to the intermittent training for the past three weeks or so, and in a bid to take opportunity of today's most excellent weather and top up my tan, I did a quick body weight workout today.

The (improvised) routine was a leisurely three rounds of the following (with PLENTY of sunbathing in between):

Warm Up (5 mins)

1. Handstand walk for distance (to 'collapse')
2. Pillar Jumps x 6
3. Tucked Body Lever x 20s
4. Chins x 8
5. Planche x 20s
6. Back Bridge x 20s

I felt a bit weaker, but wasn't really trying. My approach was one of play rather than 'grrrrr'!

My 'Regular Joe' weight is somewhere above 82kg. I weighed myself today (on the usual set of scales), and came in at 'just over 79kg'. I should have weighed myself before and after the Welsh 3Ks. I cannot be sure that I am not still in 'fat burning ramp up mode', dehydration or if this is a loss of muscle mass. I have been drinking a lot of water since the walk, my appetite seems to be increasing since the walk. Curious.

The final part of the Welsh 3Ks will be up tomorrow.

Table Climbing

The Stairgator post got me thinking about some of the other exercises I used to do around the house. At the time they were 'exercises' in as much as they were taxing physically, but they were hardly part of some formal program - they were more a form of play or general 'cocking about'....and there is one activity that is due a recall....

In my late teens and early twenties there was one activity that was popular amongst climbers - particularly drunk climbers, that gives a full body workout. It is a 'pull and press' workout but will test your core strength, climbing strength and your grappling skills!

Now, a decade on, this self same exercise would appear to be a fantastic training exercise that complements a set of Stairgators (the alcohol is optional).

Google the words 'table' and 'climbing' and the forthcoming result-set will yield lots of links to South Africa and Table Mountain. But, right at the top of the list in pride of place you will find a YouTube clip dedicated to the black art of 'Table Climbing'. The only kit that is required is a sturdy (preferably freestanding), table. A table for four or six is optimal but masochists may wish to opt for a banquet sized structure. Although table shapes may vary, a square or rectangular table is traditional!

Table Climbing
If you have never tried it before, Table Climbing looks to be a simple exercise in cocking about, but there are rules:

1. Start from the top of the table.
2. Leave the table top (head or feet first), at one of the table's narrowest ends.
3. You must climb BETWEEN the legs of the narrow end.
4. At NO point must you touch the floor (and the elite may wish to avoid touching the table's legs)
5. Traverse along the underside of the table to the opposite end.
6. Ascend back on to the top of the table.
7. Heel hooks and hands may reach around the broad side of the table - but no other part of the body.
8. The 'athlete' has completed one circuit when successfully back on top of the table.

Here is a link by way of example. The technique in this clip is pretty lame (and it is generally considered bad form to 'broadside'), but hell, they look like they are having fun. One of the guys nails it just after the four minute mark.

Here is a second link showing that even small tables can be used.

No iron. No need for specialist equipment. Short, brutal, functional and intense. No guesses for what Captain Kid and I will be doing this weekend!

;)

Stairgators

I thought I would bring you a new exercise/strength test - which is unique in that it will work your shoulders and core, but is not available to people in bungalows and harder for those who live in a Victorian terrace! Stairgators!

This exercise is part of a game I used to play as a child, and is something that was re-inspired by watching Flash working out how fast she could negotiate her way down the stairs (she settled for belly down and feet first).

1. Start on the landing of your house.
2. Get down on to all fours (feet and hands - not the knees).
3. Walk down the stairs on all fours (but do NOT use your knees), head first.
4. When at the bottom of the stairs (that means both hands and feet are off the stairs), reverse the process walking back up the stairs on all fours, feet first.

This is one of those exercises that works the core as well as the more obvious muscles. You'll find your thighs might also ache after a set. You might want to do the 'reverse' version before you try the full Stairgator, just to assess your abilities.

It is much harder than you think and way more fun than you can imagine. It is also highly productive.

Take care with it and above all enjoy!

Make My Body Younger

We are going through a TV revolution here in the UK. Hot on the heels of a decade of gardening, DIY and property-centric programming we are now in the age of Diet/Exercise Docu-drama (DEaD) programming. These televisual feasts are fueling the airways in the UK and like a carb-oholic faced with a plate of hot chips, fresh toast, pasta and a side order of pastries, the viewing public seem to be lapping it up.

With an increasing number of fat and fattening members of the general public in the UK, it makes sense to target this demographic. It is both a growing population, and a GROWING population (you read it right first time).

First things first; as with just about every other DEaD program, do not expect anything that will work long term. In fact, we could reduce all these programs down to four words;

Eat more, do less.

Tonight's offering on BBC3 was called "Make My Body Younger". Now before I go on to criticise much of the advice given on this program, I want to give you the brief of how the suits at the Beeb must have decided to pull this show together.

The Pitch

Gustav: "Charles, we need a new show to fill the airtime on BBC3! We cant tamper with BBC1, BBC2 is stuck together by anything involving Jeremy Clarkson - so we can't dilute it with re-runs, and besides we have sold all the repeat rights for "Top Gear" to 'Dave', and BBC4 is turning in to a general crock of shite. Your budget is zero. Hit me."

Charles: (Clearly crapping himself because decent public service broadcasting involves making BRAVE programs that challenge conventional wisdom); "Erm we could do a diet program....erm, but not any old diet program, this one is erm.......erm ..it has young doctors - men and women that you'd want to shag, and erm, patients that are young - and who you'd want to shag.....erm and the doctors are dressed like the cast of The OC or Lost (during their flashbacks)..one of the doctors has an Audi A3."

Gustav: "My God Charles, you're a genius. We appeal to youth, with youth, attack Mad-dog McKeith's audience and draw in the fat-bastard demographic, whilst simultaneously appearing to be tackling a serious issue, following real people - all for the cost of a £20k car, some good haircuts and a wardrobe from Top Shop. Let's do it!"

So there you have it. Another DEaD program which, in case I didn't say it before, boils down to;

Eat more, do less.

Tonight's Episode

So let us not beat around the bush. I am a heterosexual married man with two kids. However, within minutes of seeing this program I wanted to shag all the doctors - male or female - it doesn't matter - and in any order, nick their clothes (those of the men only - I mean what are you thinking, that I am some kind of pervert or something?) and run off with the keys to the Audi A3. Erm, well actually I would only run as far as the Audi A3, then I would get in it and drive. In fact, if they didn't mind that I had just shagged them and nicked their clothes, the doctors could actually come with me in the car and we could all be friends - I mean THAT IS HOW COOL THEY ALL WERE!

As for the subject of this program, the delightful Amy, we find that her life was turned around '360 degrees' (Dr James said so). And just in case we didn't catch it, at the end of the program Amy reiterated the fact that her life had been turned around '360 degrees'. Now thank God Dr James is a doctor and not a mathematician - although if he was ever faced with an operation to resolve inverted sternum the result might be interesting (that would make a bloody good program in itself - the final scene of which could involve a close up of the parents face as they realise little Timmy's sternum had been inverted back to its original position).

We get to see Amy meeting up with Dr James and she is wearing a low-cut pink top - a scene from which, if you only saw a still, you'd swear was from some kind of romantic fly-on-the-wall dating show. The suave Dr James smiled seductively (and damn is hair/clothes/teeth looked good), whilst Amy leaned forwards forcing her boobs in to his face. Jeez, I am no psychologist but I could tell that he was fighting the urge to look down - I'd say they had to re-shoot and edit that section several times - the out-takes from that bit alone should be worth their own show!

I digress.

So what did Amy get out of it?

Well, she ate more fruit and veg, she cut back on the sugar and fat and took up wholemeal this that and the other. She also found exercise - long, arduous, boring and repetitive exercise like treadmill work and spinning. That certainly sounds like a life turned 360 degrees - changing one piss-poor lifestyle based on poor nutrition and no exercise for another piss-poor lifestyle based on poor nutrition and piss poor exercise. YOUR FACING THE SAME WAY AMY!

Note to all: If you want to turn your life around, turn it around 180 degress, and no more!

So what didn't Amy get out of it?

She didn't get out of this program and way of eating that would tame her HUNGER. She didn't get our of this program a way of exercising that embraces novelty and sustains interest.

So what won't Amy get out of it?

Amy has rules. The rules are based upon limitation and denial. The model is premised on hunger. She is encouraged to eat food with a poor satiating quality. She is encouraged to eat food which will compel her to eat MORE (refined carbohydrate). She is encouraged to eat less. On top of all that, Amy is encouraged to perform activities that will make her hungry.

If we follow the Paleo model, we get a concept from which we can generalise. The generalisations give us reasonable rules by which to live and conduct ourselves. So unlike a rule that says "drink five glasses of water a day" - something that sets up a condition of failure, a Paleo approach reaches deeper, and advises us to simply "respond to your thirst". Thus you understand that thirst is simply feedback - there is no failure.

Similarly, if you feel you are suffering from bloating or eating too much fruit (yes it CAN be done), follow the paleo model. In this case, you just need to eat seasonal fruits. You see how easy that is? You answer a technical question such as 'am I eating too much fruit' not from having dietary knowledge or gardening wisdom, nor from rules based on hte consupmtion of 'x number of fruits a day', but from a simple philosophy based upon a model from which you can generalise and get a ball park answer to your problem.

Feeling your bicep curls aren't working as an exercise? Bored with your gym routine? Well climb a tree - hoist your body up in to the branches, climb up 20ft and then climb down. Repeat a few times - and imagine a tiger is after you. Think like a paleo guy and act like a paleo guy.

Hell, I am not sure what paleo-guy REALLY did think, eat or do, but I know he didn't eat 14 bananas and work on two sessions of 5x5 dead curls a week.

Follow Up

For all these DEaD programs, I'd like to see a follow-up program one, two, three and five years down the line. That would be a real TV-treat. It is a win/win for the production companies as well.

Invariably, even after 5 years, at best most of the subjects of these shows will have maintained their weight. They'll still be fucking fat. Most will be fatter. The doctors (undoubtedly fatter themselves), could then mock their subjects and criticise them for their lack of self control. We could then go through the whole cycle again.

As an approach to nutritional health, the premise of 'eat more, do less', as most of us know, is dead. Don't believe me? Then ask the next fat person you see a) have they ever been on a diet? and b) have they tried to exercise to lose weight? The answers to both will be "yes"!

Let us just step back and think about that for a minute. The fat person you have asked will have tried to 'diet' (and I use 'diet' in its conventional sense), and exercise to lose weight.

Stoopid DEaD TV

What annoys me about this program is that I am sooooo willing to bet that these TV doctors were selected due to their media-friendly appearance rather than for their knowledge or belief in the advice they give. I would go so far as to say that the 'doctor' status is a 'badge' - I mean I am sure they ARE doctors but that they do not drive the program's agenda.

The credits showed some additional medical advisers/consultants involved with the program and I suspect that these are the real architects of the show and who the Beeb would claim 'have little desire to appear in front of the camera', but who I reckon are simply too frickin' ugly to appeal to the wider demographic (hey, their target audience are fat, NOT blind). In fact, I'll bet that these advisers are actually overweight themselves!

TV should be accessible and there are important messages to get across. It is great that we no longer have doctors in white coats stirring test tubes of foaming liquid, or wearing a stethoscope, castigating us for our unhealthy way of life in some plummy English accent, but sexing up TV based upon such dire advice as 'eat more, do less' is no way to tackle a real health time-bomb.

Movement

I see people day in and day out in the gym, plodding away on a bike or treadmill. Sure they are working hard - they look exhausted to me - and the volume of exercise they complete is often tremendous, with some of them spending an hour on a 'cardio session' up to four times a week.

But is this productive? Well if you could distill all training advice down to a single word it would be 'specificity'. You will specifically adapt to a particular stimulus - so if you want to be good at running marathons then ultimately you need to run marathons. Of course you can experience a cross training effect from other activities, but specificity is king. So, our treadmill athletes will be good at running at a 'medium' intensity for an hour or so on a level surface.

Is this beneficial? Well two things that strike me about the people who engage in these regular cardio sessions:

- Most of them are fat (if not fatter than when they started), with poor muscle definition;
- Several of them whom I know to have been training for around five years are carrying significant recurring injuries.

The first point always amuses me. I see people who have been training their 'cardio fitness with the aim of fat-burning' for several years, and yet they are still fat (and of those I have conversed with, I KNOW that one of their goals is to lose weight). If you had been on a weight loss program for several years and you were still fat, then wouldn't you start to question the program? Not these guys. The latter point saddens me - why should exercise lead to premature wear and tear?
How should we exercise? A simple question with obvious answers if we look at evolution. My personal faith in 'evolutionary patterns' stems form the fact that homo sapiens are an incredibly successful species - adapted to many harsh environments in which there are other exceptional specialist apex predators. It is here I personally draw my answer from.

Hunter-Gatherer
We evolved on the plains of Africa. A place with fast apex predators. To escape such predators you would need to run fast using several bursts of sprinting at top speed with perhaps several changes of direction. You would need to climb up trees or scramble over rocks and other uneven terrain to elude capture. You could also include jumping and throwing in this mix. You might occasionally need to escape across water - another environment where faster predators reside.

What if you were doing the hunting? Even when killing prey using persistence/exhaustion hunts, you would not jog for extended periods. Most of your movement would be walking with bursts of speed - evidenced by modern ethnographic studies of hunter-gatherer societies. Analysis of Kalahari bushmen suggests average speeds of 6km/h over a 5 hour hunt - but natural obstacles and the overhead of tracking the animal ensures that the hunter's work rate is anything but 'steady state'. The 'kill' would have to be carried to camp, and camp itself would be carried from place to place. Hard days are followed by easy days.

On a human level there would likely be need for combat skills (striking and grappling) in our ancient past whilst a final source of exertion would come in the form of procreation ;)

Here then are some clues to those activities and movement patterns that shaped our very being. Conversely, can you imagine hunter-gatherer doing a 'cosmetic workout' - crunches to improve his abs or a set curls for his biceps? I thought not! If any ancestor did aim to develop a bodybuilder's cosmetic physique (which is a form lacking function as their goal is form NOT function), who do you think would end up being a meal for Mr Sabretooth?

Child's Play
I have a couple of kids. They have already taught me more than I can ever teach them. I have watched them learning - reaching out to the next challenge in their physical development. From simple tasks requiring a bit of hand-eye coordination to walking, they are incredibly inspirational with their willingness to learn despite the pain of failure (although falling on a nappy when learning to stand probably doesn't hurt that much!). But the keep stretching themselves - always a little further.

My eldest is at pre-school. The kids here do lots of running and jumping. There a lots of games of 'tag' and general chasing going on amongst the lot of them. Obstacles are climbed on/into. Balls are thrown and kicked. The movement is erratic, intense, stop/start and generally complex. The movement pattern here is unadulterated by adult concepts of exercise. Their play is free-form and 'natural'. In fact we have this in common with other mammals (think of those documentaries about lions - the youngsters in the pride are always playful, chasing one another, play fighting and generally sharpening their survival skills).

I Like To Move It Move It
So looking at the picture above, the steady state movement of the treadmill athlete and gym-biker seems to have more in common with the prey in a persistence hunt than that of either the evolutionarily shaped movement of hunter gatherers or the intuitive movement of children.

Hunter gatherer and infant movement actually follow a 'power law'. Short and repeated burst of highly intense activity. It is complex movement using chains of muscles. Transporting the body (speed, agility and quickness), balance, lifting the body, carrying a weight, lifting a weight from the ground to a position overhead, fighting. These are the skills, qualities and movements we are inclined to make and adapted to respond to. These should therefore from the basis of our exercise.

There are other qualities we can discern in the life amongst wild predators, and even the games children play. In both cases there are elements of adventure, novelty, fear, excitement, exhilaration. Have you ever wondered why children play chasing games involving imaginary monsters/wolves/sharks/bears? Could this be an evolutionary adaption?

These then are the movements that inform my training - with an emphasise on quality activity (following the principles above), and quality rest. Less is more!